Living Water

Lord, I am unhappy

I am lonely and unhappy

I feel pissed off right now

Frustrated

Much of it, I think, is due to my lack of spending time with you. My mind wants to think of other reasons, but my experiences say otherwise.

What is the point of living a life of futility? It's disconcerting knowing that one is easily replaceable.

I want to make a difference, Father. I want to know and feel irreplaceable in at least one person's life. I want to feel valued and special, but right now, I don't.

Why is it that I don't feel like praying, Father? Why don't I want to spend time being with you in a corporate setting? How come I cannot find a place of solitude wherein I can commune with you unhindered by distractions? Why the hell is the city so filled with distractions & disappointments?!

I feel starved & suffocated from lack of You. And because of it, I don't really feel like pursuing You, even though I know it is You who satisfy all things. I am largely dissatisfied with my predicament. I feel that the locus of control has stepped far beyond my reach. I feel helpless, Father.

I need to spend more time with you. At least I'm no longer working disgusting hours. Help me not to be stupid enough to do that again. I am unhealthy without you. Very unhealthy.

Here I am, Lord, feeling useless & helpless, wishing that I felt otherwise. There is no quick fix though, is there? There is no instant remedy. Satisfaction cannot be found in appetitive satiation. My need of feeling valued or meaningful or whole will not be quenched by any person or title or thing, and I know that. Too many times have I tried to fill this feeling of need or longing with approximations of what I've been longing for, and I've seen too many people destroy themselves doing the same thing. Nothing works; there is no substitute. What I am searching for, what I long to have is a right relationship with You. I desire, need, gasp for and suffocate without You. I am hopelessly addicted to Your love & to Your presence. Separation drives me crazy, makes me fall apart.

I need you, Lord I need you. Every hour I need you.

Hungry, I come to You, for I know You satisfy. I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry.

Breathe on these dry bones. And break these chains.

And I'm desperate for You. And I'm lost without You.

Oh God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry & weary land where there's no water.

Fill me up, oh Living Water. Fill me up.