Okay, so I finally have decided to break down & join the masses in making proclamations to a faceless, nameless world, to an audience as transient & as erratic as a scurry of electrons, to you, the reader of this "blog."
Why have I done so? Mostly because I feel that there are some proclamations that I need to make public, and yet I do not really feel like either paying to disseminate them, nor do I want to bother those who wouldn't really give two shakes of a dog's tail either way. Therefore, we begin on this trek of public discourse with both parties--you the reader, and I the author--entering and interacting voluntarily. If you do not like what you read, feel free to avoid whatever parts of these texts that you regard with ill favour. Beyond this, I offer no disclaimer, no limitation of liability and no promise for your money back. Let's begin.
I recently came to the conclusion that my life sucks. It was not really a huge revelation, or an epiphany on any level; rather, I just finally took some time to survey the course of my wanderings in the land known as "The passage of time." I am dissatisfied with my life & what I have been doing with those precious seconds that I have been given. This is most poignant when I consider how I have spent (or squandered, depending on your perspective) my hours since the delightful genesis of 1999.
Looking back on the past pentade, I have concluded the following:
+I have lost sight of my goals
+I have lost sight of my innermost desires
+I have abandoned most--if not all--that was dear to me
+I have begun and persist in doing the very things that I promised myself I would never do.
+I have been stagnant, and at times I've even been recessive.
Because of this, my accomplishments in the past 5 years amount to little more than a few dry, lumpy turds. The gold that I was given & entrusted to invest was not only buried by yours truly, but I even used as toilet paper the very map leading to where I buried the treasure. How have I done this? How have I squandered & lost the stuff most valuable to me? How have I marginalised my life so much that I consider the last several years of my life as dross, fit to be condemned as one huge waste of life? I'll tell ya. Simply put, I lost focus and here's the story of how.
Prelude
Five years ago, all was peachy, to put it in organic terms. I was feeling great, I was living my life to the fullest, I was encouraging those around me & uplifting those weak in spirit. I had a firm, solid goal ahead of me, and I had made several promises to myself, which I thought would ensure the course of my future years. I was discipling two friends: both of which were former Satan worshippers, both of which were condemned by the church, both of which were previously disillusioned by Christians & Christianity. During this time, I was clearly hearing the voice of God, I was prophesying, I was dreaming dreams & seeing visions. I, along with others, were engaging in heavy spiritual warfare, in which we were gaining significant advances against the strongholds of the Enemy. Then, one day in January 1999... One day in January...
The Beginnings: Encounter With the Three
There was a small group of individuals in my Sunday evening church (at the time I was attending two churches regularly & a third occasionally) who were causing a bit of discord in the unity of the Body. There were three individuals: one with a poor self-esteem who cut down others to elevate their own; one who was the social leader of the group; one who was a sheep of both. These three individuals were causing a decent amount of strife within the church that I was attending, so I thought that I had better approach them & confront them in love about this issue. Knowing full well that addressing the matter with all three present would prove to be a fruitless--and even potentially destructive--venture, I decided to talk to each of them separately.
The Sheep
The first I approached & talked with was the 'sheep,' though I did not talk to them alone, for this would not be prudent. Instead, I engaged a third party--a witness of the events who happened to be the 'leader's' younger sister. In this manner, I gently confronted this individual about the impact of their actions on the body of Christ. Fallout? The 'sheep' recognised their fault, confessed & agreed that what had been happening was not beneficial to the church. This was great news: 1 down, 2 to go.
The Leader
I next approached the 'leader,' along with my witnessing third party. Unfortunately, things got hairy. Instead of listening to what I was trying to say, the leader began trying to defend, with a certain aggressive vigour, both the actions of the group & the actions of the esteem-challenged individual. I was making no head-way with the leader, for they were not willing to listen at all. Fallout? Two frustrated individuals having completed no successful communication. As a result, I went home and decided to write a letter to the leader, which turned out to be 7 or 8 pages--something that surprised me, for I had no intent of saying that much originally. It turned out, however, that I just wrote & wrote: my pencil did not want to stop, and the many of the ideas recorded on that paper, I had never thought of before. After I had finished, I gave the 'leader' this wad of scribbled-on paper to read. They stopped talking to me for 3 months.
The Interim
Between January and April, the Spiritual realm was hopping. Much activity was occurring on many, many fronts. A companion of my two former Satan worshipping friends started coming back to church. She was the daughter of a prominent member of my evening church who was also heavily involved in Satan worship, witchcraft, vampirism and homosexuality with one of my friends. Having her begin to make a turn for the better was an amazing thing to see. Also, in my evening church, there was the onset of a spiritual revival: the members were becoming more active & proactive in their Christian walks, taking life by the horns & glorifying God in the process. I also had a vision (or word or whatever you want to call it) that there was going to be a large spiritual confrontation which would start on the last week of April. As time progressed, the church community was getting stronger & more effective, but also tension between both myself & the 'leader' was mounting.
The End of April
April found itself winding down, and I could really, really feel the pangs of something spiritually huge about to break forth. During the last weeks of April, I exhorted the churches that I was attending to pray continually & to be on guard for "something big" to happen really soon. I was feeling a bit burdened and a bit stressed, as the 'leader' still had not talked to me at all. This was unfortunate, for up to this point, we were quite close friends.
April 20, 1999. In the morning right after I was leaving from a community prayer meeting, it snowed. It snowed good. The white stuff came down in big clumps, covering the already green earth & already budded trees within a thick white blanket. I knew that this was the day when the big move in the spiritual realm would occur. That afternoon--5 or 6 hours later & about 1600 km away, a couple kids armed with guns entered a high school & systematically killed several Christian teens at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. That weekend, I finally had a chance to talk tot the 'leader' who denied everything I had written in my letter to them, even though I had been told by several of our common friends that they had admitted to everything I had written to be true. A couple of weeks later, a pastor's son was shot & killed in Taber, Alberta. Around the same time, a non-Christian associate of both the leader & I decided to defuse the 'tension' between us by calling the leader some pretty nasty names. In turn, the 'leader' retaliated in the church community by spreading a lot of malicious and unfounded gossip about me. This inevitably made my existence very uncomfortable in that church. Furthermore, the prayer meetings that I was attending had dwindled in number to only me and the Bible studies which I was leading & those that I attended had become so scarcely populated that many folded. During my prayer time, I felt immense spiritual pressure; I felt as though I was carrying 800 pounds on my back while dragging weights tied to chains on my feet. By the end of May, I had decided that this oppression was too much for me to bear anymore. I gave in to two lies: 1.)that I had to bear this oppression & 2.)that I could no longer resist the spiritual forces assailing me. So, in church on the evening of Sunday May 23, 1999, I gave up fighting. I let my guard down & allowed what felt like 6,000 (but was probably more like 6) demons to physically & spiritually attack me. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant experience. Imagine slowly losing the ability to use your limbs as they become rigidly motionless, all while you desperately gasp for each & every breath to keep you alive. You watch your hands shrivel before your eyes just before your vision clouds to black, as everything you feel no longer has sensation, as the sounds around you begin to recede and sound as though they were reaching you through a long metal pipe. As this physical blackness & emptiness washes over you, so does empty despair, accompanied by what I can only describe as spiritual pain--as if several clawed hands were ripping, tearing & tugging your soul out from your body. It was not a pleasant experience, and I do not wish such an experience on anyone. What was the congregation around me doing? They were watching. I can't remember if I vocalised my cries for help or not--or if I was able to at all, but what I do remember was that one of the elders in that church came up to my left hand side and said the following, "Just let go...just let go." That totally freaked me out, and it knocked something loose in my noggin': these demons had no right to treat me the way they were, for I was a child of The Most High & therefore, I had all authority over them, so I decided to do something about it: I told them to go away, and they did... Well, at least most of them. There were two who were a bit more resistant, so I had to be a bit more forceful in my ordering. After finally succeeding in telling the demons to get lost, I regained full capacity of my body & senses, though I was physically exhausted.
*****
Now, the skeptic of this experience may propose that I suffered from conversion disorder. Although I was experiencing a great deal of stress, which would precipitate such a disorder, unfortunately many of the requirements of conversion disorder were not present: there was no prolonged experience of my loss of sensorimotor faculties & loss was neither localised nor selective: it was global. Furthermore, an onlooker who had experienced the same thing in the exact same fashion some 15 years previous came up & told me this weeks later. And finally, conversion order cannot be self-treated: my rebuke of the afflicting demons would not have accomplished anything were I suffering from true conversion disorder. Now, that aside...
*****
Retrospect, Part I
Looking back, I can already see that I was having some problems in my Spiritual walk. This is made most apparent in my cry for the help of others around me instead of calling out for help to the only one who could: Jesus Christ. I had by this point already lost focus of the reason why I live and I was beginning to replace my Christ-centred life with a Church-centred life. This move from focusing on God to focusing on those who claim to follow Him has caused me piles of grief. It is something that I no longer wish to orient myself around. No longer will I look to the church for guidance & centring, which I erroneously started to do in 1999. I will again, however, look to Christ as my orientation & guide. I know that actually doing this will de-suck my life a great deal.
Desertion
You may think that after this very odd & very uncommon experience, things in my life would start to get better. Unfortunately, life is not so simple & I'm not that bright. No, instead, the conflict between the 'leader' & I escalated. I was completely in the dark about all of this until one day I noticed a very cold reception from my Christian community. This further degraded to a hostile & biting one quite quickly. I had surmised that this was due to the 'leader' spreading malicious gossip about me, for several individuals approached me & condemned me for doing various things & saying various words contrary to my character. This ostracism became so pronounced that I was unofficially banned from my evening church.
Retrospect, Part II
Needless to say, I was hurt. I was hurt loads. My whole life seemed to crumble before my eyes. This was especially true, since I began focusing on myself & my hurt instead of trying to overcome & rise above my circumstances. The 'leader' who was a very good friend of mine had hurt me so much that I was no longer physically able to look them in the eyes, much less talk to them at all. My spiritual community completely abandoned me. One of my discipled friends saw what happened & was so disgusted with the church & Christianity that she moved away & abandoned her faith, claiming that if "Christians" could act that way to their own, then she wanted nothing to do with it. I was miserable, hurting and alone, so very alone. Of course, I did not have to be, but I was no longer looking to Christ for my support: I was too absorbed in my self & my hurting position to accept help or healing from him. My church, the institution that I thought would never fail me, did just that & I was crushed in remorse over it.
The Doldrums
From June 1999 until October 1999, I stopped going to church. I purposefully got a job on Sundays so that I could justify my lack of attendance both to myself & to others around me who would inevitably ask where I was. In all honesty, I had no time of day for organised religion because it had completely failed me. However, I did not lose my faith & hope in Christ. To him I clung, even if by a thread. Before this all, I was feverishly absorbed in my Bible reading & I was unswervingly devoted to prayer & "alone time" with God. Now, I occasionally prayed here & there, and my Bible was mostly used to keep dust off of a 4" x 6" space on my table. Oh, I occasionally spent time in prayer as I walked to & from work & I often whistled & sung worship songs to myself at work, which became an irritation to my assistant manager, but a joy to my manager, who was a suffering Christian himself.
For the next year & a half, I spent my free time working, either for money or for volunteer purposes. I had a pile of free time now that I was no longer spending it at church or with God. And staying busy helped me keep my mind off my hurt--both the hurt I had suffered from others, but also the hurt I was afflicting on myself. After all was said & done, I had published a book, raised $20,000, hired some friends to do a job with me, and produced 3 large-scale works of art, one of which won awards. I drowned myself in keeping busy--it was my escape drug and furthermore it was socially lauded.
The Smell of Wind
At the close of 1999, I was deep in despair. I had difficulty even accepting the reality of God & the truth of his being. "How in the world could such a being exist?!" I asked myself, "If you are there, where are you & who are you?"
One night at the close of November, I was praying in my room with little faith. I gave up & went to bed. Then it hit me. It was weird, but all of the sudden something clicked. He Was. That was all that got through to me in my position: He Was. For some reason, this totally made me think. It totally made me realise that God actually Was & moreover, He Is. My brain started to be flooded with thoughts about how this was so completely true & it finally rested on the passage in Exodus where God tells Moses what to call him: "I Am." This revelation from God released me for my self-imposed prison of despair. It was not long after that I returned to church, and that I began seeing visions & dreaming dreams. I still wasn't praying much, nor was I reading my Bible lots, but at least some semblance of spiritual life sprouted in this tortured & wrecked soul. Then something truly amazing happened. I started actually hearing the Voice of God. We had a conversation that lasted 5 or 6 hours one night. It is something that I will never forget. And one Sunday, he told me what is going to happen to me in the future, but what was said is not meant to be heard by others, or if it is, it is not meant to be revealed just yet.
The Promise of Rain
It was the year 2000 & no Y2K bug even appeared... What a "surprise". I was still avoiding my life with being busy, refusing to look at my hurt & fix that which was hindering my growth & progression. Then one day, I was offered a chance to enter into what promised to be a refreshing change. A friend of mined mentioned Bible college to me. It sounded like something that would bring me life. At that pint, I was highly disillusioned with Christianity & Christians still, and I thought that perhaps attending a school with several committed, strong Christians would be just what I was looking for. So, I took the bait & signed my life away.
Just a Dark Cloud
After the first few weeks in Christian education, I discovered that I had made a serious mistake. My expectations were very wrong of what I was getting into. I had thought that what I was signing up to was going to be first year seminary. It turned out to be week-long Sunday School. The community I had expected was going to be supportive, super-charged & encouraging was exactly the opposite. Most had never read their Bibles before. Only a handful had any interest in prayer. Even fewer were in a position to encourage & support anyone, let alone an individual like myself who had just come from an environment of disillusionment & betrayal. Some were hurting just as much as I was, but none of us received the loving support that we were desperately looking for.
Retrospect, Part III
Looking back, I realise my mistake. It was, again, looking for hope, support & security in people--not Christ. Guess what? That desire for support was not fulfilled, rather it was made all the more potent when I looked around & saw that my community had utterly failed my expectations. Because this community was not delivering on my demands of it, I became depressed--severely depressed. I again became disillusioned in Christianity & I almost gave it up entirely. Ironic: a student at a Christian school learning about why Christianity was worth living came to the conclusion that it indeed was not. The only reason why I stopped short of suicide & why I stopped short of giving up on God completely was because of God. I had an unswerving conviction that He indeed did exist. In fact, I had had conversations with the guy. There was nothing, therefore, that could possibly make me forget Him & choose an alternate lifestyle. I finally realised that although people can be--and often are--asses, that this did not necessarily mean that God was also an ass. Did this, however, change my perspective on life & on approaching the church? Not a chance. I still demanded from people what I have only experienced from God: true, supportive community--faultless & unconditional community. I had forgotten a very important thing: that people are human. And humans are not God.
Those Who do not Learn From History...
With Bible college over, I planned to seek supportive community in those whom I attended church with. I purposely targeted a handful of individuals in my church whom I believed would not fail me in providing a supportive & healthy environment. Man, was I wrong. Perhaps not wrong in my assessment of those individuals, but wrong in my demanding approach towards them. I was demanding from people what I secretly knew that only God could provide, just I refused to accept it as being true. My house of aces fell: two moved away, one stopped talking to me & another acted as though they wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me. Another drifted away, and only two remained. In fact, because of my unspoken and unconscious demands, one of those friendships blew up in my face.
Retrospect, Part IV
In this most obvious failure, did I finally learn? Nope. I was still replacing God with other things, and I was still ignoring my goals & dreams because it meant changing my life, which at the time seemed impossible for me to do because I was so focused on me. I was looking far too deep in my navel to get a good perspective on anything. I was clawing for a way to get out of my pit of hurt & despair--too bad I was not clawing up, but digging my hole deeper.
...Are Destined to Repeat it.
The friendship with one of my aces that blew up uncannily unfolded much like my experiences with the 'leader' in 1999. The next thing I knew, I heard things circulating about me that I knew were not true, people who were previously somewhat warm towards me had now become cold & non-responsive. My depression got worse. I was determined to stop this from getting any worse, so, learning from my mistakes in the past, I decided to actually talk to the conflicting individual instead of letting it brew below the threshold of communication--where conflict thrives on hearsay & manufactured truths. So, I talked. It made things worse. I talked again & again it backfired. Needless to say, this was not making me happy at all. Frustrated, discouraged, depressed & disillusioned, I gave up until I was overcome by anxiety this the impending possibility of discord, that I gave it one more try. It worked. Right when I was finally ready to give up & wash my hands of everything, it worked.
Retrospect, Part V
Did I finally learn & change my perspective, now that conflict was defused & that I had discovered that people could not provide community on the same level that God can? Did I finally re-orient myself to have Christ at the centre of my vision instead of the lint in my belly-button? Ha! You'd like to think so, wouldn't you? Nope. The whole "me me me" thing is just far too attractive. It makes you feel important. The only downside is that it also magnifies the transgressions--whether bona fide or no--that others commit against you. So, instead of living in the freedom & support of Christ, I again decided to stick to my loneliness, stick to my despair, stick to my disgust with the incapacity of human beings to be God. And in my loneliness, in my despair, in my disgust, I was not disappointed one bit--not disappointed in finding them, that is. However, I hated this feeling. I hated this position of loneliness, of severe depression, of malcontent, so I did what any good human being does with glaring problems. I ignored them. I pushed them aside with being busy. I made myself so involved in "doing good things" that I no longer had time to think. About anything. And all the while, I festered on the inside, becoming more empty, becoming more dead, becoming more depressed & becoming more numb to the realities of the world.
...Again & Again
Having no change in expectation or in attitude, this ace blew up in my face again. Three years had passed of me being in heavy depression--and being in heavy denial about it as well. One of my friends suggested several times that I go to a therapist for my depression. I denied the severity of the problem. Denial denial denial. Okay, so it eventually go bad enough that I could no longer properly function. I broke down and went to a doctor who immediately diagnosed me with clinical depression & ordered that I start on a regiment of antidepressants as soon as possible.
By this time, I had done my best in quelling the conflict between myself and this other. I am thankful of that too, because the days following the start of my medical treatments were hell. There were days where I would feel as high & as happy as a kite; as if a great dark cloak had suddenly dropped off me & as if a veil had been removed from my eyes. Life had colour again. Then, all of the sudden I was cast into a deep, dark pit, out of which I believe there was no escape. After being there for what seemed like eons, I was jetted up into the stratosphere like nobody's business. I was invincible--until I again plummeted into a massive tar pit. Apparently, my medication levels were not high enough. Joy.
After having my dosage doubled, the roller coaster was a little less extreme, although the predominant phase in my cycles continued to be depressive. Then my ace blew up again, and this time made the others before it look like child's play. What's more, my faith in the supportive & always Godly church was forever destroyed.
The Body of Christ, Though Mandated to Emulate Christ, is Still made of Human Beings
After my originally sure-fire friend went loco on me for this the fourth time, things got really bad. I still had no understanding of why any of these fallings out occurred, though I sometimes now have to wonder if this is due to my very narrow vision, which was almost exclusively covered by my belly-button. Besides this, however, some very life-changing events happened to me. I appealed to the church leadership to help me figure what the hell was going on, and instead of support, I was judged. When approaching the leadership trying to ask questions & trying to figure things out, I instead was met with hostility. I felt like I was on trial, and that my chance for explanation was merely a formality, for the decision was already made & the jury already out.
My initial church leadership meeting went like this: a soft inquiry as to what I thought was going on. My response was met with glazed-over eyes and a mouth that was itching to speak as soon as I was finished. In return, I was lambasted with accusations--some indeed criminal. I sat there bewildered, stunned out of my mind. I was then threatened by the church leadership to never talk or even be around this individual ever again, on pain of excommunication or legal action. My confidence in the church utterly crushed & totally emaciated, I was ushered out in tears. The leadership tried to console me with this: they stated that perhaps they were too close to the situation & maybe had acted a little biased. They then encouraged me to approach other, more external leadership if I thought that this would help.
I Cor. 3:10-15. Testing the Works With Fire
I took the leadership up on its offer, after recovering from my initial devastating shock. My approach for assistance with another member of the leadership was uncannily the same: same polite inquiry as to what I thought with the same glazed-over look. The same scathing judgments pronounced on me. The same blatant disregard for my position. It all became very clear, however, when this member of the leadership declared that he had conversed with the previous leadership about this matter. At the end of this conversation, however, I was not threatened about the possibility of leaving the church. I was matter-of-factly told to leave.
Retrospect, Part VI
"It will be revealed with fire and the fire will test the quality of each man's work." My work of leaning on the infallibility of the church was being tested. I still held to the belief that the church, being an institution of God would therefore be as perfect as God. Wrong wrong wrong. These two encounters demonstrated that to me: there was blatant disregard for Biblical standards both in their approach towards this conflict & in their carriage of themselves towards me. To make this all the more evident, when I approached a third church leader, he was told to not get involved & that everything was dealt with, even though I--being in this predicament--knew much better than they that it most definitely was not. How better illustrated by the denial of conflict by the ace to this third church leader only to turn around and admit the stewing conflict to another of my aces--one of the two who had not crumbled. And after the successful gagging of this third leader, a general inquiry in to the handling of the situation by these leaders was effectively squashed before it even got a chance to start asking any questions.
So, my undying cling to the church & my faith in it was destroyed. After it had turned to soot in my hands, I could no longer hold onto it for support. Did I learn to start seeking after God & His unwavering righteousness? Nope. That would have been the smart thing to do. Instead, I fell. I fell into bitterness, disgust & resentment. The church had failed me. Christians had failed me. Whatever I grabbed onto seemed to fail me, so why bother grabbing onto anything?
Freefall
By February of 2003, I was on the maximum dosage of my antidepressants, and they still were not helping. I was living in denial & I knew it, for one Sunday evening in 2001, the Lord gave me a vision the revealed to me that I was being oppressed by a spiritual depression--one that would not respond to conventional treatments, because it was not caused by conventional means. By May, I decided that enough was enough. I took charge of the situation & demanded that the spirit of depression leave me & never come back. That very day I stopped taking my medication, and the following week was filled with the horrors of dependency withdrawal. Never, ever, ever develop a chemical dependency: withdrawal is one of the most brutal things to experience. But I survived it.
Retrospect, Part VII
Now, claiming the authority of Christ might suggest that I actually started to take Christ seriously again. Nope. Still no consistent prayer, still no consistent Bible reading. Instead of chasing God for fulfilment, I decided to stick to my current pattern. I ran after the unfulfilling & fleeting "love" of the Christian church, which is fickle & unsatisfying in its provision. As fallout from this fourth episode with the ace-turned-joker, even more coldness & hostility brewed within the church community--enough to even cause one of the original two steadfast aces to dissolve allegiance, leaving me all the more alone, all the more abandoned, all the more empty & dissatisfied. My attitude remained the same, nonetheless, and instead of addressing my problems, I turned a blind eye towards them by focusing ever so much more on "doing good things" that I lost all touch with my spiritual reality, even though I was participating in "Godly" activities.
Thank God for God
As rotten as I was becoming, God still had a hold on me, and in my pursuits of avoiding him with busyness, he threw me into a prayer meeting with a Christian community that was quite unlike any I had experienced since 1998. It was a refreshing change, and slowly I began to heal. Very slowly & very minutely, but there was restoration nonetheless. It was at this point that I realised that it was not the church that was evil, nor was it corrupt, nor were Christians all frauds & self-seeking bastards. No, instead, through the experiencing of what seemed like a distant echo of what I had before, I came to realise that the church is filled with human beings & that Christians are people--not God. At this point, however, I had become so totally immersed in my busyness that I had no time to actually do anything about this revelation. I was trapped. I was trapped in something I promised myself that I would never do in my life: I was too busy. I was too busy for God. Too busy for people. Too busy to live for God & too busy to live life in God. All the while, I was doing good & Godly things. I became so busy doing things for God that I became too busy to be with God. Problem. It was a serious problem.
And, so...
I had only come to fully realise the extent of my delusional, deceptive busyness last week, when I had two weeks off from doing stuff. I actually made myself do nothing & spend time both with people and truly with God. You know what? I found that U actually missed people & God. I missed them both extremely. I recognised that I had driven myself into a sucky situation, and now I am determined to get out of it.
I am no longer satisfied with a mediocre existence. I am no longer satisfied with shuffling through life. I am tired of subverting my goals, my dreams, my aspirations & my loves. I no longer want to be demanding of things that are insufficient for my expectations. I want to live again.
+I have lost sight of my goals, but I will look to them again.
+I have lost sight of my innermost desires, but God will now have to be my centre.
+I have abandoned most--if not all--that was dear to me. I now will search for them eagerly again.
+I have begun and persist in doing the very things that I promised myself I would never do. I recognise my infractions, and I am in the process of undoing my self-inflicted damage.
+I have been stagnant, and at times I've even been recessive. Recognising this, I have committed to do whatever it takes to rectify this predicament.
No longer will I be content with living a meaningless, unsatisfying life. I'm tired of my belly-button. It's going nowhere & it doesn't change at all. It is boring to look at, even with its lint. No, instead I will look up & onwards. I am committing myself to again look at & for Christ with every essence in my being. I will no longer tolerate the second rate: God must be that which I hold on to. He has fulfilled me in my past, so I know that he & He alone can sustain me now & in the future. My ineffectiveness will die with my self-centredness. People will now understand my love & recognise it for what it is, because it is no longer clouded by lint & no longer misdirected/misapplied out of personal blindness. Indeed, God will live in me--and out of me, for I have no desire to see myself anymore. I consider what I am and my needs to be useless, because in the grand scheme of things, they _are_ useless when eternity & truth are considered. The only thing of true worth, the only thing that will withstand the testing flames, are those things of God.
That is my story, That is why i currently hate my life. That is why i am so motivated to change it & revert to what I have had before. I have tasted the alternatives, and they are as ash in my mouth in comparison to the rich, flowing honey that comes from Jesus Christ. If I am a fool & lose sight of this again, smack me in the face & point my eyes back up and away from the useless, fruitless, bitter & unsatisfying gaze of my belly button.
I want to live again. I want to breathe again. I want to experience the joy & fullness that comes only from Christ. This is my goal. This is my aim. I choose no other. Come with me if you dare. The road's not easy & it's not short, but the view is worth giving up your very life for. Nothing will stop me from seeing again. Nothing is worth that price. I choose Christ & I choose life, and through Him I again will finally see.
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