Krap

So I've been trying on this whole "listening to God" thing again recently, right? Well, it turns out to be a pretty potent thing: direction as to what I should do &/or how I should respond is now sometimes explicitly spelled out for my by God Most High—cool, but at the same time daunting and very scary. After my divinely ordained meeting with Person on Tuesday, the Lord has also told me to do (and not do) several other things. In one particular area that I was thinking about yesterday that has to do with direction in my life, the Lord told me to lay low for a while on / not pursue, because He has begun this new reshaping & reformulation of my life. Pretty much it came down to the fact that God wants me to focus completely on my relationship with Him at this moment in time, so that I will be prepared & properly equipped for the next stage in my life. Starting adventures in other territory(ies) is not what He wants of me right now, but He said that He would give me the signal as to when the appropriate time would be for me to go & chase those adventures. Cool.

Another thing He told me to do—or actually, not to do—involved a spur-of-the-moment thought that I had this afternoon. I thought it was a great idea & very worthwhile in acting upon, but as this whole "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness..." & the "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding" bits are becoming increasingly concrete in my life, I decided to consult the Lord before proceeding. He said not to do it. I complained. He didn't budge. I submitted & after a long while, I started to kind of understand the reasons as to why it may have been a better idea to not do what I was thinking as opposed to actually running out & doing it.

The bad thing, though, is that sometimes God tells me to do things that I don't want to do. My first experience with this was nary a half hour ago, as I was walking home. A young middle-aged woman was carrying a small (but apparently heavy) box home and her purse was falling off of her shoulder. Being right beside her on the sidewalk, she turned and asked if I could pull her purse back up onto her shoulder, which I did. She thanked me & said quietly that with the heavy box she was carrying home, it wasn't very easy for her to do it herself. I chuckled friendly-like, smiled & proceeded to go on my way. Then the Lord piped up. "Carry that box for her." I cringed, bit my lip and as silently as a silent prayer can be, said, "No." ACK!!!!!

What the heck did I just do?!!?!?!!! I outright refused a direct instruction from the Lord. Of course, He didn't hide that fact from me either: Immediately the Holy Spirit convicted me; immediately verses swelled in my noggin about "whatever you do for the least of these..." immediately, my head was swirling with the prayers I had just prayed that morning—and the many days before—about asking the Lord to help me be a faithful steward with the gifts He has given me & about asking Him to help us as the Church to make every opportunity to let His light shine through us. Did that stop me from continuing to walk onwards? Nope. I cowered in my steps, as I walked away & begged for forgiveness. I felt horrible. I felt hypocritical. I felt like I wanted to continue walking away from that woman as fast as I could. Shoot. Crap. Crap crap crap. The Voice of the Lord, the Holy Spirit within me, and even my own Spirit all stood against my overt actions & all the while I was walking ahead of the woman, it felt like every fibre in my body was screaming to turn around—every fibre except for my "I'm afraid of this stranger" fibres. Three blocks later, as I was holding my head down in shame, I turned around to see if the woman was still walking. It being foggy out, all I could see was this silhouetted figure two block back walking towards me. Crap. What a freaking idiot I am!!! But did that make me walk back & helpl her? Nope. I had now convinced myself that, being alone, I was potentially in danger by this strange, helpless woman. not only that, but actually helping her may not have been on my route home & I couldn't have that! I mean, far be it from me to sacrifice a wee bit of my time for the advancement of the Lord's Kingdom, right? I am a loser.

Two blocks later, I couldn't stand it anymore. The Lord was telling me to turn around, so I struck a deal with Him: "Fine. I'll turn around & walk a block back in the direction I came, and if I see her, I'll help her. I'm sorry, Lord for being such a defiant idiot. Forgive me, but please let this be only a good learning lesson of how stupid I am... please!" So, I turned around & loosely walked back towards where I had come. I didn't see her. I thanked the Lord, but sheepishly as a disobedient child thanks a parent for not punishing them with the deserved severity. Crap crap crap. I am du-u-u-u-mb... Thank the Lord for His mercy & His boundless grace.

I learned a very valuable lesson today. Sometimes God calls me (probably us) to do things that we really don't want to do, and if we don't do them, it isn't just "Oh well," it's direct defiance against God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth. I promised Him that I would never again pull a Jonah; now I just need to pray for strength to keep my promise...

Feeling very humbled,
The Lucid Elusion.



A little factlet for today:
•­The giving of the Self to others is key to successful community. In doing so, the Self grows & extends beyond the single human being and now embraces other humans as fundamental components of the very Self that was initially poured out.
•(Tied in with the above, but having broader implications...) Who you are is what you define your Self to be.

A question to ponder...

Here's the primer:
Alister MacIntyre states that there is no reason without a context. Reasoning about the Self is never neutral. Reason itself is a product of history & society. There, therefore, is nothing that isn't conditioned historically. There is neither Persons nor Reason outside of tradition & history. Rationality is not caused by tradition, rather it finds its origins within tradition and the Self is how one defines one's place in history. This definition of one's place in history is formulated out of the multiply available traditions, and it is in this conflict of traditions that the Self is defined. Since current society is amnesiac of its traditions, we objectify history. It is therefore difficult to escape conflict since we are no longer able to appeal to strong traditions. Inner conflict must perforce be resolved by the compartmentalisation of our ideas & our attitudes. We split our Selves into different forms to deal with this because traditions do not provide the higher values necessary to resolve these conflicts. Without this heirarchy of values, there cannot be conflict—instead, there is dissociation. Compartmentalisation of the Self precludes the notion of integrity or unity: there can be no unified Self if the Self is compartmentalised or split due to the lack of higher-order traditional values. Since there is no Self prior to tradition(s), then all traditions will necessarily split the Self. The inherent inability to construct a unified narrative used to define the Self results in our inability to unify the Self. This causes multiple splits—both in society & in the Self—which creates a culture of narcissism.


That being said:
Is the Biblical account of narrative in opposition to MacIntyre's concept of an irresolvable, unified narrative?