Fallout in Rut Land

So, it’s been almost a month since my last blog entry, and a pile of stuff has happened since then. As my observational/scientific mind predisposes me to do, I began to start looking to see how this choice would actually affect my life. In doing so, I paid particular attention to my “before” state to see how & what would spring up as a result. Here’s the highlights.

Well, since I decided to make a rather large life change towards being who I originally was hoping I would become, I have noticed many things have seemed to coalesce &/or surface in my daily being. First of all, I’m happier. It’s amazing what happens when you pull away from looking to gratify the self & begin to seek to gratify God. The most counter-intuitive thing happens: you attain that for which you were previously striving. Life again has meaning; the sun again has a nice warm feel. Ironically, the community that I was ever-so yearning to have is beginning to form around me. It, however, is not among those whom I had previously thought it would form with. Odd, again, how when you think you know what’s best for yourself, God goes & shows you that you were looking in all the wrong places to find fulfillment. My new community consists of very great people who seem to love having me around & find considerable encouragement from my interaction with them—regardless of what we end up doing. Church is great. Church is greater. Since again setting my sights on the Author & Perfector of my faith, I have been asked to become heavily involved in the ministry of my church. This is somewhat of a new phenomenon for me in the past 5 years, since nothing of the sort has happened for a good long while. What else? I feel less stressed. I feel more fulfilled. I feel physically & spiritually better. I get better grades. I get better sleep. I get more out of my Bible reading. I get more out of prayer. I constantly find myself singing praises—something I have come to associate with my good spiritual health. Since 2000, I had noticed a marked decrease in the amount of time I found myself actually singing (vocally or in my head/heart) praises to the Lord, until—ultimately—I stopped doing so altogether. This bold resurgence of quasi-involuntary praise comes as a great encouragement to me.

The most blatant result of this choice is somewhat not-so pleasant. It’s good, though; just not eudaimonistic (of pleasant spirit) in nature. What is it? Well, I find myself constantly yearning. I have a very internal sense of lacking in my life, and I know that this is due to my spirit thirsting after God. The only problem is that because of the recency of my life’s paradigm-shift, I am still in the transition from busyness to availability, and this effects the amount of time I still have at my disposal to search after God. I do my best—though to be honest, that is a blatant lie, and I will get to that later on in this report—but I recognise that my predicament leaves me spiritually starving, in a sense.

The main problem is that although I find myself desperately wanting to go deeper, fuller & closer to God, I also find myself somewhat resisting. Perhaps this is caused by my previous mindset, where “doing” supersedes communing. Perhaps it’s because I still am focusing on myself. Perhaps it is due to laziness. Whatever the cause, I am not liking this proverbial tug-o-war within me. I think I need help, though. A bit of a nudge to get me out of this 12-foot rut that I’ve dug for myself while spinning my wheels in one spot for the past “age”. For those of you who know me, I ask you to challenge me & to keep me accountable in this, my stated course in life. I don’t want to find myself slipping back into Ye Olde Routine of yesteryear. I want to go upwards & onwards. The life that God has ordained for us—provided that we follow in his footsteps—is one of immeasurable joy, wonder & fulfillment. It is something that I want to actually do & not just say I want to do. Want me to keep you spurred onward? I’d be more than glad to do so. Just let me know. That’s the wonderful thing about community: many embers together blaze with a ferocious heat; iron brushing on iron keeps both blades sharp. Let’s be blazing swords together. Are you in? Sound the alarm. En Garde.